Never Never Land

A few days ago, I was talking to an old friend from back east.  During the conversation, I mentioned that I had seen her Halloween photos on Facebook, and that I thought they were such great shots of her, her husband, and her kids.   I even told her that I felt a little envious of the happy family she had built.  I expected her to say something like "Well thank you!" or "I know, I'm really lucky." 

But she didn't.  

Instead, she said something else.  Something that I didn't expect to hear.  

"Well Dara, maybe it's time for you to finally grow up too."

I sat there in silence, dumbfounded at what I had just heard.  I wasn't positive, but I was pretty sure that I had just been insulted.  Too stunned to come up with a witty or smart response, I just stuttered. 

"Yeah, well ya know.. anyway… so the photo was great. How's the weather been back east?"

I didn't even have the strength to defend myself.   

So we moved on from the subject, not returning to it for the rest of the conversation except for one reference she made about my boyfriend asking if he was "the one."

Afterwards, I hung up the phone still perplexed.    I had been friends with this girl for years and I was pretty sure that she didn't mean anything malicious by her comment.

There are many times when my married friends who have children send me messages telling me how envious the are of my responsibility-free-and-seemingly-glamorous life.   And then there are other days when I tell them how envious I am of their stable jobs, happy marriages, and sweet kids.

But don't get me wrong; there are also days when I don't envy them… days when I dread the idea of having their responsibilities; the anchor of a family, mortgage, and spouse.  And I'm sure they sometimes look at me and think, "Gosh she's crazy… I could never be so flighty and not have any consistent stability."   

But it's kind of an unwritten rule that we keep those thoughts to ourselves.  

So a few days later, I started to get more and more angry about her reaction to my compliment.   Just because I wasn't married and with children certainly didn't mean that I wasn't a grown up.

I haven't lived home since I was 18 years old (Ok, ok, aside from that ONE summer…).  I support myself by working in a career that I absolutely love.  I have fantastic friends with whom I have a blast, and romantic relationships that keep me entertained.  I enjoy impromptu trips around the world; vacations spent sunbathing and partying on the French Riviera, romantic rendezvous in Italy, and electric summers dancing in Spain.   I take random trips to Hawaii, Napa, San Diego, and New York City for both work and pleasure that usually end up with me canceling my return plans and staying longer…. until whenever I so desire.  I have an IRA, health insurance, and a recently purchased new car.  I pay my bills on time, and I still have money left over to treat myself to materialistic designer accessories and fancy dinners out on the town whenever I want to.  I live hard, but I also work hard.  Very hard.  

And ok, maybe I don't have a husband yet, but that doesn't mean my dance card isn't filled.   And my sex life is more than satisfying, thank you very much.  

So seriously.  What the hell?

I get it.  I'm not 22 anymore.  I realize that many people, society included, think that maybe it's time for me to "settle down", get married and pop out a few kids before my "ticking biological clock" runs out….  Before my youth is gone, and I look back on my life with great regret that I never had kids or married when I was "young".  

But apparently, I'm the only one who doesn't hear that clock ticking.  

And in my defense there was a time when I thought I was on that "conventional road to happiness".  

Once upon a time, in a land 3,000 miles away, I was on a very different life path.  A path that was supposed to lead me to an alter, with a set of rings, a couple of vows, and a Happily Ever After.  

But along that path, I hit an unexpected detour... And I truly believe that without that roadblock, my happily ever after would have probably turned into a messy divorce and thousands of dollars worth of therapy.   

And so, as I diverged from that socially expected path of life for women in their mid twenties, I looked forward through the tears, and reluctantly walked down a new path.  One that I wasn't expecting to take, and one that hadn't been paved yet.  One of uncertainly, adventure, and most of all self awakening and growth.  

It was then that "life" began.   I completed a Masters degree at Columbia University.  I started dancing on television and film.  I was given a second chance at my career; the career I had dreamed of throughout all my childhood, and the one which I had given up for the man I loved.  I started attending lavish parties, galas, events, and made incredible new friends.  I began to experience new relationships, passionate love affairs, and tenacity for life that I had never before felt.  

Then I made an even crazier decision.  I decided to move across the country.  To a place I had spent a collective five days, and where I only knew a few people.  A place where I had no job, no car, and nothing really secure lined up.  

I took a chance that I never could have taken if I had been married with children.  

And it turned out to be the greatest adventure of all.  

I didn't really realize it when I was blinded by my love for my ex, but there were a lot of things that I wanted to accomplish before I settled down and had a family.  Places to see, things to do, experiences to have.  And that's what I've done.  I've done almost everything on my "30 Things to do Before I Turn 30" List.   And you know what the only thing I didn't do was?

Get married.  

(Well that and "Visit Egypt.")

This is not to say that I'm against marriage, nor am I against the path that all my married friends took.  There are people in this world who want to start a family while they are young.  And I think that's great! One of my best friends is that kind of person; she believes in consistency, marriage, family, etc.  We always laugh about how different we are, but how each of our lifestyles work for us.  I have nothing but respect for her and all my other friends who have beautiful children, cozy homes, and loving spouses; I think it's wonderful.  And if I had someone in my life who I truly felt the desire to settle down with, I would. 

But it will happen when it is supposed to happen.  Not everyone is on the same time schedule.  I think Thoreau said it best when he said "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer."

So in the in the meantime, I will continue to dance to my own beat.   

And I would never, EVER have a phone conversation with one of my married friends and say something like "Wow, if you didn't have those damn kids, you could come visit me in LA, travel the world, or buy those Pradas." 

No I would never say that, because not only is it untrue, it's stupid.  Everyone has their own timeline, their own path, and that is what makes the world so beautiful… that diversity of lifestyle, and desire.  Different strokes for different folks.  

And while I sometimes do feel that I have approached the foreign crossroad of what I want, what is expected, and what I should be doing,  I usually just keep on keeping on.  Confident with whatever path I choose; whether it's with a family, a child, or with a dog named Bella.  

And if there's one thing in life that I've learned, it's that no matter how hard as you try, sometimes, you just can't hold back the river.  

And so, since I am in this position, there is no reason I shouldn't take advantage of it.  I can do anything I want, go anywhere, and be anything.  I can move to any place in the world. Thanks to a trade that travels, I've become pretty mobile;  I am not bogged down to a particular city, job, or even relationship.  

I am sure that eventually, I will settle down and start the process of "growing up".  But for now, until that opportunity presents itself, I'm going to keep on living my life, and playing the hand I was dealt.  And I will NOT feel inferior to those who have reached that point before I have.  I will eventually marry a man who I am crazy about…. I will have children that I will love more than anything in the world, and when that happens, I will be ready for it… Ready to stop being selfish and start a new chapter of dreams.   I've already done so much of what I've wanted to accomplish.  I have no regrets nor any excuses for never doing something that I wanted to do.  So maybe I am a little slower than everyone else… But hey, when I finally close my eyes for the last time, and when I draw in my final breath, I will be able to say, "I did it all, and I did it my way."

So don't pity me… don't feel bad for me.  And certainly don't insult me because I didn't follow the same path that you did.  

I am doing just fine where I'm at.

Even if that place is Never Never Land.