In a relationship, the first "I love you" is very monumental. The person who says it first puts everything on the line because this definitive moment can make or break the relationship.... especially if the other person doesn't say it back.
It's completely nerve-wracking.
But it's also very exciting. To feel that kind of love for somebody, and to want to share it with them... well that is a beautiful thing.
I should know: I have been very lucky in the love category.
I spent over the first half of my adult life involved with a man who I loved very much, and boy did he love me too. He wanted to marry me, build a life with me, and make me happy for the rest of my life. We experienced so many wonderful years together, and he taught me so much about love and relationships. It didn't end up working out in the end, but the love that I felt in all those years was truly a gift. It was my first relationship, the first time I had ever been in love, and his departure from my life left a void in my heart.
In the years following that relationship, I was blessed with some pretty incredible love affairs. Very few men truly turned my head, but the ones who did left a profound handprint on my heart. And although I did my fair share of "dating," I was never really able to lift a real relationship off the ground. I came pretty close twice, but somehow always managed to choose men who were unavailable - either emotionally or physically.
In hindsight, I entered into those "relationships" a little too anxious to find love. But the reason I took the risk was because I truly believed in these men... I believed that they encapsulated all the things I wanted in a partner. I was looking for love; instead, I usually found a beautiful disaster.
In the words of Jane Austen, "We are all fools in love." And it's true: Falling in love makes us deaf, dumb, and blind. Often we fall in love with a person before we have fully gotten to know them, and by the point we discover the real them, it’s too late; you’ve already stretched your heart for someone who is capable of bruising it.... And that can be a very scary thing.
But at the end of the day, this is what love requires: utmost vulnerability and trust... And these are two things I rarely offer to people. But when I do feel safe enough to allow someone in, I jump blindly with a full and open heart. I do not fear the love; I embrace it and share it.
Love is elastic. It stretches and retracts and changes shape constantly. It is very volatile. One day you are over the moon and the next, disillusioned. The elastic can break. You can re-tie it, but a knot is created, like a scar. Suddenly that perfect perception of the other person becomes a little bit tainted. Something rocked the pedestal. Expectations are not met. Sometimes we can recover from this, and sometimes we can’t.
Unfortunately, after the love in my first relationship broke, there was no recovery possible.
After that break up, I didn’t believe I would find love again, so I subconsciously chose partners who I knew would be a challenge. Men who I knew I couldn't have. I became only interested in love affairs; short little romances that would end as quickly as they began.
But then I met a man and fell in love. I allowed myself to fall in love with him for one simple reason: I believed in him, and I believed in us. Don't get me wrong, at the time, I intuitively knew that it wouldn't last... I knew that three months later, I would be just a memory to him, but when the affair happened, I couldn’t stand living without love any longer; I had reached my limit… And it is my belief that generally speaking, these meetings occur when we reach that limit, and if we are full of enthusiasm for life, then the unknown reveals itself, and our universe changes directions.
It's funny how that happens sometimes.
Looking back, I'm not really sure how to define what we actually had. Maybe he was just lonely. Maybe I was too. Or maybe there was actually something between us.
Maybe I'll never know.
But here's what I do know: It's scary to love and be loved. And life is complicated because all too often it throws you off balance by sending you the right person at the wrong time.
So many people are afraid of love, and I'm not really sure why. Taking the risk and jumping in blindly is one of life's most incredible adventures... and falling in love is one of life's most wonderful gifts.
They say that sometimes the beauty is in the attempt. You gave it everything you could, but it just didn't work out. I offered my heart to that man, and he chose not to accept it.
But do I regret trying? Do I regret putting my heart out on the line?
Absolutely not.
Life is about taking risks, and not being afraid to go after what you want. It's never the "right time" to do or say something... That's why it's called a risk. And when you find someone who makes you smile and fills your life with love, you have to tell them. In the end, it's not about timing, or distance, or any other excuse. You should be together. The other stuff doesn't matter.
Sometimes I think we waste our words, our moments, and we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance. And that’s a shame, because life is too short to not fill it with love to share.
Don't get me wrong: I know that there is a game to be played... That it is necessary to taper yourself when it comes to relationships. There are even some things better left unsaid.
But I truly believe with all my heart that "I Love You" isn't one of them.
Even if it's not returned.
Because at the end of the day, all you need is love.
