From A Distance

It's been said that “Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries.”

But anyone who's been in a long distance relationship would probably respond to this quote with the same words:

Bull Shit.  

It’s no secret that long distance relationships are challenging.  Relationships are difficult enough, so when you factor in the added challenges of physical absence, not to mention all the little issues that eventually come up such as trust, communication, and the inevitable “drift”... well it’s no wonder that most LDR’s don’t work out.  Of course there are exceptions to the rule and I have no doubt that there are some relationships that can withstand the barriers of distance and time.  But more often than not, they usually fall apart.  

However sometimes, it’s not just physical distance that can affect what would normally be a healthy and happy relationship.  

Emotional distance can be just as toxic.  

Physical and emotional distance were two things that I never really understood in love.  Until about 10 months ago, I was skipping through life with an open heart, having faith in love, and believing that pure matter would never spoil.

God, I was so naive.

After a torrid love affair with a man who was separated from me by an ocean, I had my first experience with "long distance." During our rendezvous, I uncharacteristically allowed myself to get caught up in the romance; I fell hard and fast.  I became more open than I had ever been, and I allowed myself to become entangled in the fairy tale that was unfolding around me.  It was all so exciting;  The romance, the passion and the thrill of free falling.  I never once thought about the consequences, only the incredible high of each moment. So when it was time to leave, instead of just ending things (which, in hindsight, should have been the proper course of action), we decided to take the future one day at a time and see what would happen.  He had been burned not once, but twice in previous long distance relationships so I didn't blame him for wanting to avoid it again.  But that didn’t kill my spirit or my optimism; I truly believed in both him and "the relationship".  To me, the distance was just a minor detail; it didn't really bother me because I knew I was willing to wait for him... After all, he was worth it.

And so, we credulously tried to hold on to what we had while we were together in the same time zone.  We looked forward to seeing each other over the holidays, and in the meantime, we would try make it work by talking every day and skyping often as possible.  Those solutions seemed to suffice for awhile, but although we had always treaded carefully and slowly with what we were doing, the inevitable drift began to develop, and eventually things became complicated when I wanted more than he could to give.  

So I fought… and I pushed.... And to his credit, he tried to keep up.  

But of course, the inevitable happened, and things ridiculously blew up in my face… The “relationship”, despite all my efforts to keep it alive, had crashed and burned.  

My reaction was instantaneous:  For as open as my heart had always been, it immediately shut down and closed off.   

I felt all my faith dissolve from my spirit, and I vowed to never again "fall" the way I did, nor would I ever get involved with someone who was so both physically and emotionally distant.    

It was simple. I would no longer trust my intuition since it had been so wrong:  I would become the emotionally distant and closed off one.  

And for a long time, I really was.  

A few months later, I successfully sabotaged a potentially wonderful relationship with a man who offered me the world, and to whom I would just not open up.  I kept my wall high and strong.

The poor guy never had a chance.  

And of course he finally broke it off, tired of trying to break me down.  

Looking back, I don’t think I shed a single tear over it (which was so uncharacteristic of me).  

After that, I constantly turned down anyone who showed an interest in me, blaming any stupid excuse I could think of.  But the truth was, I felt numb.  

But then a month later, something changed.    

I call him “The Patriot”.   And he was the first man, in a long time, who could crack my wall.  

Of course, it wasn't that easy... 

He first started talking to me after seeing me in a Giants sweatshirt.  As a Patriots fan, he felt the need to say something snarky (of course because my team had beat his in two different Superbowls... Those Pats fans are so bitter...).  I shot right back at him, and we started up a conversation.  Eventually, it somehow came out that he lived up in Ventura County (about an hour and a half north of LA).  So I asked him why he lived up there because I was under the impression that no one lived in Ventura except for old people and strawberry farmers.  

“I’m in the Navy, stationed at Port Hueneme.". 

Great.

And just like that, his stock plummeted.  

Having sworn off soldiers back in January, this was the last thing I wanted to hear.  Not only was this guy “long distance”, but he was also in the military, a.k.a My Kryptonite.  I decided to tread very carefully... But there was something about him that seemed warm and genuine.  So not wanting to give him the boot before we even began, I decided to do something I almost never do:  Give him a chance.

So after about a week of “getting to know you” conversations on the phone, I finally accepted his invitation to go out, and n a warm Friday night in early September, he drove down to LA, and The Patriot and I went out on our first date.  I promised myself that I would remain cool, distant, and removed.  I would not let it go any further than that.  

My reasoning derived from a sad statistic: Over the past five years, I had only really been involved in powerful love affairs… not substantial relationships.   These magical, passionate, and intense affairs were indeed incredible experiences, but they usually ended just as quickly as they began.   And before that, I had been involved in a long term relationship for seven years.... As a result, I didn't really know how to "go slow" and "date" someone.  I only knew the extremes of "relationship" or "affair".  Casual dating was never something I had really experienced before.... and frankly I had no idea how to do it. 

But I was determined to make it happen.  

Well wouldn’t you know, that particular Friday night, I ended up having a great time with The Patriot. An east coaster from New England, he was fun, interesting, and extremely down to earth.  Aside from his poor taste in Boston sports teams, he was pretty great.  He made me laugh and could carry on an intellectual conversation.  He had bright blue eyes and a warm touch.  The chemistry between us was pretty good, and of course the fact that he was 6’4 also didn’t hurt.  We ended up having a fantastic night together, and I decided that I wanted to see him again, even if he was "long distance."

But after a few weeks in, I noticed something.  For as much as I liked him,  there were definitive moments where I was ridiculously closed off and cold.  The old "free falling Dara" was seemingly gone.  Whenever he would try to hold my hand, I would pull it back… And when he would try to cuddle up next to me in bed, I would roll over and turn away.  It got so bad, that one morning when we were at the beach surfing together, I finally told him that I needed to go get something, and went off on a long walk, just needing some time by myself.  I kept warning myself not to fall too hard, too fast.  I liked him, but I didn't want to care too much about him.  So "Keep the distance" became my mantra.  

What the hell was wrong with me?  I was once again sabotaging something with so much potential. 

Why was I being so closed off? Why was I being so cold? It was so unlike me, and I was frustrated by my behavior.  I knew that if I didn’t get it together, I would push him away, just like I pushed away the last one.  

And I really didn’t want to do that this time.  

To his credit, The Patriot was very patient with me.  He never prodded me when I got moody, nor did he probe me with questions when I got quiet.  He just let me feel my way around my emotions, never pressuring or pushing me.   I don't even think he took it personally.  I began to recognize that this could actually be the start of something good… as long as I didn't sabotage it.  And I hoped that it wasn't too late. 

So I started to open up slowly…. 

That next weekend we hit the phase of the relationship where we had the inevitable discussion about "our past".  We shared some deep secrets, and for the first time in a long time, probably thanks to the help of a little Prosecco, I opened up to someone.  

It was unfamiliar territory… and terribly uncomfortable.  

The whole thing left me feeling vulnerable and exposed…. which I really really hate.  

I could feel myself retracting back into my shell... But I tried to stay calm and not let it cause me to shut down.  

When I left his house the next day, a few hours later I sent him a text to which he didn’t respond right away.   

Of course, I started to panic.  

It was then, in that moment, that I realized how much I actually did like The Patriot.  And how much I wanted to make this work.

It was one of those realizations that made me want to crawl into a hole, hide out, and vomit. 

But I decided to prove that I wasn't in fact emotionally barren, and that there was still some romance left in me.  So when Friday rolled around, I spent my entire hour and a half drive up to Ventura listening to sappy love songs, trying to pump myself up for a little romance.    

It worked;  We ended up having a wonderful weekend together.  I let him hold my hand. I let him hold on to me tightly while we slept.  And I even allowed myself to get caught up in the little romantic moments that we shared throughout the evening.  

And after awhile, it started to feel more natural.  And I could feel the emotional distance between us  start to decrease... slowly but surely.  

It’s never easy to let someone see your weak side.. To let them see your naked vulnerability and not be afraid that they will turn around and walk away.   It's much easier to keep a good amount of distance between ourselves and others....  Especially when you've been burned before.  

But sometimes, it’s worth it.    

Don't get me wrong, I'm still not 100% there yet... but I'm trying my best to prevent myself from shutting down and closing off. 

And so far, it's working.   

Of course I still have the moments when I want to retract… when I worry…. or my mind wanders to that dangerous “What is he doing?” chamber… you know, that dark place that only breeds fear and distrust.  But then I try to wipe those thoughts away and put some faith into the relationship…  Because I decided that if it doesn't work out,  I don't want it to be because I didn’t try hard enough,  or because I shut down and pushed him away.   I would rather that it didn’t work out because we weren’t right for each other, not due to my lack of effort and vulnerability.  

And so at least for now, it seems that “like” knows no geographic boundaries….. nor does vulnerability no longer know any fear.  

So maybe long distance can work…  Maybe it just took a warrior to break through my wall.  

Because as it stands right now, The Patriot seems to liberating my heart out from its shell… one weekend at a time....

.... Even from a distance.