As Time Goes By

It's a peculiar thing, love.

Yet, when you think about it, our culture is almost completely absorbed by the emotion: 95% of all songs, movies, books and television shows are about either falling in or out of love.  And even if the general theme is about something else," there is always some sort of "secondary love plot" that threads throughout the story.

How even more peculiar then, that our society - specifically the dating world - has seemed to have forgotten what a "great love story” really is.

Last week, I watched the film Casablanca.  If you've never seen this movie, shame on you.  It's a classic.

And it's one hell of a love story.

73 years later, we no longer live in the age of great love stories… Of men who fall deeply in love at first sight, then vehemently pursue and court their sole interest. We no longer live in the age of grand gestures or romance. The classic great love stories of the past are just that: urban legends that can only be found in old Hollywood Classics like Casablanca and Gone with the Wind.

73 years later, we live in the age of technology.. Of text messages, Tinder, Facebook, and game playing.  It's the age of the "hook up," when meaningless sex is the norm.  Games of "who cares less" are constantly played, and physical human interaction is minimal.  We live in an age where it is acceptable to break up with someone via text message, or better yet, just "ignore" them..  Dates are planned electronically, and Facebook has become our "background checker."  Any normal obstacle or issue in a relationship becomes the "good excuse" to end it, because after all, there's someone just as good (if not better) only a swipe away.

Don't get me wrong, technology certainly has its advantages, especially in love (online dating has helped introduce so many successful couples normally wouldn't have been able to meet, and if you've ever been in a long distance relationship, you know how essential Skype is).

But overall, technology has kinda killed romance.

I didn't remember it always being this way.

Back in the dark ages - about ten years ago - my first boyfriend courted me. We dated for almost three months before we slept together. He wined and dined me. Sometimes he paid, sometimes I paid. We spent romantic nights in the city, and did archaic things like make out in his car, and go to movies and plays.  We didn't just "go for a drink" for an hour and then "hook up".

It was a time before Facebook, so therefore in order to know what he did all day, I actually called him - not check his Facebook page.

I truly loved him, and he truly loved me.  We were together for many years, and when we broke up, I was truly heartbroken..

But after we broke up, part of me was also excited to "date" again.. I had been in a relationship for seven years; it had been a long time since I enjoyed the actual process of dating.

However I had no idea how significantly the dating world had changed in those seven years…

I was thrown into a world where technology dictated the level, speed and mapping of a relationship.  Where buffet-style apps such as Tinder made men afraid to commit to someone out of fear that there was someone "better" just a swipe away.

It was a world where you couldn't say how you truly felt about someone because doing so made you a "crazy emotional girl."

It was a world where if you didn't hook up with a guy after date two, you were considered a "prude" or a "tease."

It felt like a world completely devoid of romance.

It was all so foreign to me.

What happened to "getting to know you?"  What happened to actual dates -  you know, the ones where you eat a meal and talk for hours on end?

That’s no longer how it seemed to be.

So I tried to adapt to this crazy new world, yet still maintain who I was. But soon as I showed any interested in a person, they would instantly break it off because I was "too needy" (Seriously? What happened to showing interest?? I had no idea that I was supposed to "pretend" that I wasn't interested in someone to get their attention.)

I eventually learned that this was the new reality (and the secret to successful dating): Indifference.

Choreographed text messages take hours to compose... we agonize over the most minute details: Which punctuation should I use? If I add a smiley face , will that make it less intense? Should I even text him in the first place?? Maybe I should play it more cool? How long should I wait to respond?

And if the composition itself isn't stressful enough, responses (or lack there of) add yet another reason to fret . While I'll admit that I sometimes take awhile to respond to people (due to a crazy schedule), I pride myself on always ALWAYS responding eventually - even if it is delayed.

But silence is deafening, and one word responses are even worse.

And then there's my favorite: the disappearing act. You know what I'm talking about... You have two fantastic dates with someone and suddenly they disappear. You stress over what you did, what you said, and what happened. One text is ignored , which leads to the angry follow up text that makes you look crazy. You then resort to checking their Facebook page or Instagram to make sure they aren't dead, only to find happy posts about their dog, favorite sports team, or a check in at the bar you two went to the week prior... With another girl. This leads to anger and resentment. Feeling enraged, bitter and confused, you then confront them about their silence, which only makes you seem more desperate and crazy.

I avoid doing this by just shutting down and sending them off to the island of lost men.

I realize you may be thinking "Um..it was only 2 dates; he's not your boyfriend. Get a grip, girl."

Yes. You are absolutely right.  He does not necessarily owe me an explanation. But he does owe me a response to my text. Even it's to say "sorry this isn't working for me - let's just be friends."

Yes it's harsh, but trust me - it's less painful than silence.

Don't get me wrong, I realize that behavior this is not demonstrative of all men out there. I have dated some guys who wouldn't even make a move on me at the end of the date, and God knows that I've bitched and moaned about the guys who couldn't lock it down with me.

And I'll be the first to admit it: I don't like to hold hands and I'm not the most forthcoming and warm person on a first date. I believe the term one guy used was "guarded". Another even called me "The Ice Queen."

But the truth is, we have been programmed to "not care." We've been programmed to be indifferent to what's happening and to play it cool. Relationships have become a war of attrition, and the last man (or woman) to show any emotion becomes the winner.

On the other hand, I also realize how hard it is for men these days. Perusing a woman can be misconstrued as "stalking" her, and romantic gestures sometimes come off as creepy.


This is for two reasons:

1. We've become so used to the opposite, that we don't even know what to do with romance when it slaps us on the face.

2. We're so used to the elusive game that a consistent presence makes uncomfortable.

Part of the problem is because we've evolved into apathetic creatures who try to avoid “caring too much.”

It's also because these days, there is a lack of communication between us.

For example, the phone is not a telephone anymore. Telephones are devices where people "talk" to one another. Mobile devices are for texting, researching and social media-ing.

And speaking of mobile devices, I think that texting is great; it serves a ton of purposes. But I don't really want to have an entire "getting to know you" conversation through a text conversation.  I want to look into your eyes and see if there's any chemistry there.  And I certainly don't want to be dumped through a text message.  Do it to my face (or at least call me).

But it’s not like that anymore. And so, in order to survive, you have to throw on the armor and put up the wall.

So for the last few years, I've kept the crazies in, stopped showing emotion, and somewhere along the way, I completely forgot what it felt like to care about someone, or even what romance was…  I didn't question a guy who didn't contact me all week, or ignored my texts, only to get one when they wanted something.  I stopped sending a quick "hi" or telling anyone when I was thinking of them, too afraid to "scare them off." And God forbid I actually ask a guy to hang out… that would make me look so desperate and needy.. The horror!

So I became completely numb and closed off.

Because I would honestly rather be alone than deal with all that.

And hey, I have my own life to enjoy.

But here's the problem with shutting down: when you finally meet someone who actually falls into the "good guy" category, you doubt everything.  EVERYTHING.

It's really so sad: we no longer allow great love stories to unfold when they present themselves to us. I call "bull shit" on every guy who tells me that I'm "special," that I'm "different," or that he "really cares for me."

I just don’t believe them.

So while watching that great love story on my television with my cynical and bitter attitude, I suddenly had a terrible thought... Have I too become so evolved that I didn't even see romance when was right in front of my face?

Is my cynicism the product of years of dating men who were just looking for the next best thing?

Was this how I learned to adapt? By shutting down, putting up a wall, and "not caring?"

The road to happily ever after is not always a smooth one, and as they say, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

But after awhile, after all the failures, the ignored texts, and the feelings of insecurity and rejection, it's easier to just stop trying.

And so, we just sit here silently and accept the social norms. We choose isolation instead of playing the game.

Here's the bottom line: I don't need a great "love story." I don't need you to show up at my doorstep with flowers. I don't need you to kiss my hand after the night is over.  And I don't need you to spend a mini fortune on dinner or fancy gifts… I don't even like jewelry; i prefer a thoughtful small gift that has significance over a grandiose expensive item any day.

But unless you're a doctor on call,  I’d like you to at least put your phone away for the hour and a half that we're having dinner or drinks.

I guess when Sam "played it again" for Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman at that fateful gin bar in Casablanca, he had no idea that 73 years later, the "fundamental things" would no longer apply "as time goes by."

Because the 20th Century will always have Romance....

And here in the 21st Century, we'll always have Tinder.