Deal or No Deal?

A few weeks ago, I reluctantly went on a date with a guy who I really didn't want to go out with.

But he was extremely persistent.  

He was a bouncer at a bar that my friends and I like to go to.  I had met him a couple times and he was always very amiable.  So one night, I gave in and typed my phone number into his phone.  I didn't think much about it. I mean, how many times do guys actually use the number they're given?

I was so wrong. 

I immediately started getting a superfluity of texts.  He was very consistent; Always sending me messages, asking me questions, trying to get to know me. 

It was the kind of thing a girl would want from a guy she really liked.  

He was extremely complimentary and seemed very interested in getting to know "who the real Dara was".  But having just gone through a little heartbreak over the holidays, I wasn't really in the mood to get to know anyone, nor was I in the mood to let anyone get to know me.  However, at my roommate's insistence (and against my better judgement), I decided to not break New Years' resolution #3 (Not be lame).  So I finally acquiesced and went out with him.  

The date itself was, for lack of a better adjective, nice.  He was polite, sweet, and very pleasant.  He asked me a ton of questions, and seemed fascinated by my answers.  I learned that he had attended Ohio State University where he played football and majored in business.  Originally from Massachusetts, he was a New England Patriots fan (burn), and loved the Red Sox (double burn).  He had worked in finance for awhile, but then decided that it wasn't for him and that he wanted to be an actor.  So about a year ago, he moved to LA to "do the acting thing."  He was tall, dark, good-looking, and very strong.  He was cordial and respectful.  There weren't any awkward or quiet moments, and ignoring my protests, he even paid.  At the end of the date he kissed me goodbye, and while there weren't any fireworks or sparks, it was just (like the date) nice.  

A few days later he called me and told me via voicemail that he had a good time and wanted to hang out again soon.

Then I did something I almost never do.  I didn't call him back right away.

Yet the text messages kept coming.  It was clear that he was interested; he was really trying to get to know me… asking questions in a way that made me feel like I was on a Barbara Walters special.   It was very sweet… in an overwhelming kind of way.

But that didn't make me want to go out with him again.

What was wrong with me? This guy was great on paper… Why was I not even giving it a chance? 

So I decided to go through my list of usual "initial deal breakers" to see  if he qualified.  

1.  Smoking: He didn't do that. 
2. Not intelligent/doesn't used proper grammar or vocabulary (I realize that this sounds a bit ridiculous.. but one of the things I really appreciate in a man is intelligence and his ability to talk about something other than Derek Jeter's batting average): He attended a good college and seemed to be pretty smart and cultured.  He didn't make any major grammatical mistakes, and he even used the word "exacerbated".  
3. Under 6'2: He is 6'4.  (I know, I know… I'm so shallow.  But I'm tall and I like to wear heels.)
4. Long Distance: He lives in Studio City (about three miles away).
5. Not be "passionate":  Here was the only area he kind of drifted into...  He didn't challenge anything I said, and he didn't seem to be a very "passionate" person. He was very agreeable (which drives me nuts - take initiative, make a decision, and have an opinion!)  The only thing he had going for him in this category was that he worked as a bouncer so I'm pretty sure he knows how to defend himself (or me for that matter) if he needed to. 

Damn.  Well I couldn't use any of those, so unwilling to give up just yet, I came up with some more, shall we say, specific excuses- er I mean deal breakers.

1.  He was a Patriots and Red Sox fan.  I could never fall in love with a Patriots or Red Sox fan (which is total bullshit because last year I went out with a Patriots fan and was really into him. )
2.  He didn't know how to dance (though he said he would try and truthfully, the only thing more sexy than a man who can dance, is a man who can't dance, but is willing to try.)
3.  There was no apparent chemistry… no spark. 

But were these lame reasons sufficient enough to end something that hadn't even started yet?  Was I being ridiculous? I was never the kind of girl was willing to just "settle" for someone because they were there…  So maybe all my deal beakers were just excuses to avoid being with someone I just wasn't crazy about.  

The whole thing got me thinking.  Why was I being so picky?  So I thought about the last guy I actually really liked, and tried to figure out why I liked him so much.  

What made him different than this guy?  

He had flaws of course, just like we all do. But I adored him despite his imperfections.  In fact, I think it were those imperfections that truly attracted me to him. 

So why didn't my deal breakers apply to him? He certainly qualified for a few of them.  

I couldn't explain it.  Why are we drawn to certain people and not to others?  Are our deal breakers iron clad without any room for negotiation? Or do we toss the list aside when we find someone who we think we really like, despite all the red flags?

And what makes someone "perfect" for us?  The bouncer was seemingly perfect; I can't really pick out anything about him that wasn't "good enough" but I wasn't even remotely interested… And the last guy I was interested certainly wasn't perfect…  but I fell hard and fast for him.  

So what made him so right and the other one so wrong?

It's no secret that I'm unforgivingly picky when it comes to men.  I've never been a "serial dater" and if I'm not into someone right away, I don't waste his or my time "getting to know them." I'm a believer in the "when you know, you know" school of thought and  if there's nothing there from the start, I cut my losses and move on.  But with that said, when I really do like someone (which so rarely happens), I give it my all and dive in full speed ahead. 

It's a huge problem.

So I started to look at my own "dating stats" and tried to find a pattern.

Some were older, some were younger, and aside from all being tall, they all were physically quite different.  

But looking back, almost all of them had one thing in common:  Almost all of them were "wounded" men.  Of course there were a few exceptions, and don't get me wrong, they were all good guys, but most all of them had endured some traumatic or heartbreaking experience that left him emotionally scarred and pseudo closed off.  And I wanted to be the one who saved him and nurtured him back to happiness.  I wasn't looking for perfection...  I was looking for a project.

Then I realized it:  I had a type. 

 Not only did that type contain many specific characteristics and qualities (tall, strong, super intelligent, and reticent), but they were simply emotionally unavailable.  The worst possible match up for someone as emotionally charged as me.  

But as it turned out, my emotional charge was completely aroused with them because they were all strong and stoic men who had some impenetrable wall that needed to be torn down..  

And I wanted to be the person to do it. 

So there it was.  I had "lost puppy syndrome." 

And my new friend wasn't lost.  He seemingly had it all together.   

No wonder I wasn't interested.  

Of course, he could have been putting on a front.  I mean, I didn't let him in on the little known nerdy fact that I read AP History books "for fun", or that my "soothing bath music" is a Puccini Spotify station.

And furthermore, maybe it was unwise for me to want these "projects".   After all, each one of them ended, didn't they? Not one of them were successful relationships.... So maybe this was a pattern I needed to break.  Maybe all this time, I was picking the wrong men. 

So I made a decision.  I decided to give the guy another chance.

Who knows, maybe he'll surprise me…..  Or maybe he'll end up with all the others, on the island of lost men.  

But either way, let's be honest here... He's a Patriots fan.

This thing realistically can't go any further than September.